The Correct Way to Interact with Amusing Content on Substack
A Scientific Investigation
Welcome to my little corner of the internet! I’m so glad you’re here. I had a silly idea, so I ran with it. The internet needs more content, right?
Just interested in my fiction? I’ve got you covered:
You’ve just read something funny on Substack.
Maybe it’s an anecdote from the author’s life about something silly their child/dog/landlord did. Maybe it’s a meme criticizing people you don’t like (which means it’s true).
The point is, it lit up the area of your brain that processes humor.
How do you respond to that?
Today, Substack gives you 4 options:
Like (heart)
Comment
Restack/Share
Smash that bellSubscribe
I’m proposing a new system to help decide the proper response based on your physical reaction to the funny. It also (conveniently) comes in four levels:
Snort
Chortle
Open-mouthed guffaw
Breathless wheeze
I realize that this system seeks to replace the already established LOL framework:
LOL
LMAO
ROFL
ROFLMAO (dangerous)
However, thanks to Science we can now prove that you cannot physically laugh your ass off. The LOL framework is dated and embarrassing, and it’s past time for it to be put out to pasture. If anyone comments on this post with any form of LOLigisms, I will find you, and I will end you j/k lol omg
Where were we?
Ah, yes: Defining Things
Snort: this is a short exhalation of breath through your nose. Generally used when something is both surprising and ridiculous, like a rhinoceros. A snort is worth a like (heart) in my system.
Chortle: Contrary to popular belief, a chortle is not a pokemon.
Think of it like the big brother of a snort. It adds in actual mouth laughter but is still fairly short lived. If something on Substack makes you chortle, it deserves a comment, even if that comment is literally “this made me chortle.”
Open-mouth guffaw: when I was a child we called this a belly laugh, but thanks to inflation it now has a fancier name. Louder and longer than a chortle, not to mention less nose-focused, this reaction demands a restack/share at the minimum:
Note: Embedded Youtube videos are loud by default. Like, uncomfortably loud. You have been warned
Breathless wheeze: otherwise known as “old car trying to start” or “The Risitas”. If something on Substack gets this reaction out of you, you are required to at least subscribe. If you’re already subscribed, you must upgrade to paid. And if there is no option to pay the author, you now owe them a soul-favor, redeemable in either this life or the next:
BONUS SECTION: The Notes Ecosystem
Notes is Substack’s internal social media network. It’s where all of your favorite Substack writers go to complain that no one is reading their posts.
Notes is like Twitter from 10 years ago (or whatever time period makes you say “remember when Twitter was awesome?”). Apparently Keanu Reeves was on Notes for like 12 minutes recently. But he’s gone now.
Anyway, if you’re reading this on a desktop or your phone’s email app, you can see my Notes using this link: https://danieljacoby.substack.com/notes
If you are reading this on the Substack app, I have no idea what will happen when you click that link. I’m not convinced that even Substack knows what will happen when you click that link.
Here is a brief overview of what you might find if you dive into the world of Notes:
People posting Subscriber milestone announcements.
People complaining about people posting Subscriber milestone announcements.
The best watercolor dog paintings you’ve ever seen
That lady who is building a barn with the Amish. She is very excited about it
Photos of clouds
Photos of beaches
Photos of beaches on a cloudy day
Pictures of stone bridges from various towns in England that you cannot pronounce
That one guy who posts really deep thoughts about how we’re all being manipulated by the media. We get it, ok?
Links to this post after you share it? 😉
As always, thanks for reading!
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Looking for a short fiction story that may make you snort or, dare I say, chortle? I may have exactly what you need:
The Final Crunch
Welcome to my little corner of the internet! I’m so glad you’re here. Below you’ll find a short story about, well, you’ll see. It’s better to experience it yourself I think.
The part about the Substack link being opened in the app and not knowing what will happen made me.... wait for it "Chortle, I choose you!!!!!!"