Through the Valley: Part 5
Some friendly advice
Welcome to my little corner of the internet! I’m so glad you’re here. Below you’ll find part 5 of my short story about death (and Death). It’s a riot.
Want to start at the beginning? Here you go:
Later that afternoon, my finger hovered dangerously close to the “call” button on my phone. What would I say though? “Uh, hi Victoria, remember me? Is there a convenient time for me to come over and murder you?” A knock on my door gave me a moment of relief.
“Uncle Jin?” I heard Cindy call from outside.
“What’s up?” I said as I opened the door. “Don’t usually see you on a Sunday.”
“Mom got called into work for a few hours.” She looked down at her feet. “She said I could either visit Mike or see what you were doing…”
“Do you see your dad often these days?” I asked. She kept her eyes low.
“He’s a pretty busy guy…”
“Well, come on in. Although I can’t promise you anything exciting.” She bounded into the room and plopped down onto the couch.
“If you let me have some soda I’ll think you’re the most awesomest uncle ever,” she said.
“Let me see what I can find,” I said as I made my way to the kitchen. I heard her exclaim a moment later.
“I knew you liked her!” she said.
“Liked who?” I asked, walking back with a cold drink for each of us.
“Victoria! Did you call her yet?”
“Oh,” I said. “Well, not yet. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea…”
“OH COME ON!” She yelled dramatically. “What do you have to lose?” I thought back to my conversation with Death. Wouldn’t it be a shame if young Cindy suffered an…accident?
“Feels like I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” I asked. Cindy nodded triumphantly. I took the phone from her and started pacing back and forth. “What should I say?”
“Tell her that… that her lips are like water and you are dying of thirst.”
“That doesn’t sound like a…”
“Tell her that her hair is a ray of sunlight and you want to ride it down to her mountains of…”
“Woah woah woah!” I said, stopping in front of her. “First of all, nope. Secondly, where did you hear that… stuff?
Cindy shrugged. “Some kids at school were reading it from a book. Sounds romantic to me…”
“At least they’re reading, I guess. But I can’t really say any of that unless I want a restraining order placed against me.”
“You asked for my advice,” Cindy said. I started pacing again.
“Let’s pretend we aren’t ready for… rays of sunlight or whatever,” I suggested. “What should I say then?”
“How about, ‘Let’s get some food’?”
“Yeah,” I said, nodding to myself. “Yeah, food is good. Girls like food, right?”
“I do,” she answered. “Stop thinking about it and just call her!” She turned her attention to the TV while I dialed the number.
“It’s going to voicemail,” I said.
“Tell her to call you back.”
“No, that seems too needy. I’ll just hang up.” I put the phone in my pocket.
“You’re never going to…” Cindy began, but I cut her off.
“Shhh… turn up the volume.” The local news was on, and they were talking about a “mysterious loiterer”. The anchor man was in the middle of the story.
“…eye-witnesses have reported seeing a mysterious man in a dark cloak walking around New York. A spokesman for the NYPD issued a statement warning citizens to report any suspicious activity. Channel 4’s own Wendy Smith interviewed one of these eye-witnesses.” The scene changed to a blonde-haired woman standing next to some skater looking guy. She looked slightly uncomfortable as she held the microphone up to him.
“It was crazy, you know? Just this dude walking around in this big-ass coat. More like floating around, like a zombie or some beep. Some real horror movie type beep. And his face? No lie, this dude. Had. No. Face. WHAT? Crazy, yo.”
Why is Death spending so much time around here? I thought.
“Who are they talking about, Uncle Jin?” Cindy asked.
“Oh, uh, I’m sure it’s nothing.” My phone started ringing, saving me from having to lie further to her. I walked away and answered. “Hello,” I said. It was Victoria. I’ll save you the details of what was surely the least romantic conversation in history. Still, somehow, she agreed to go out with me. Cindy was practically dancing when I walked back into the room.
“What did she saaaay?”
“Look like I’m going on a date tonight…” I said sheepishly.
“Woohoo!” She gave me a high five, then paused to look at me. “You’re not wearing that, right?” I looked down at my outfit. My jeans were a little old and sort of baggy. Not too bad. My shirt was pretty sweet. It had a picture of a deer holding a can of beer in each hand (hoof?) and said “Buck It” underneath.
“What’s wrong with this?” I asked.
“It’s a good thing I’m here,” she sighed.
The next forty-five minutes were spent with me coming out in a new outfit and then almost immediately being sent back to change. It was like a montage from one of those chickflicks where the main characters go to the mall and ooh and ahh over each other. The only difference is that my legs are pretty hairy and I was preparing to kill my date. Eventually we settled on some khaki’s and a sort-of-wrinkle-free button up shirt.
“How do I look?” I asked, pirouetting around to show off all of my best angles.
“Eh, it’s the best I can do with what I’ve got,” Cindy replied.
“Get out of here,” I said jokingly. She smiled and headed for the door.
“Good luck tonight!”
She should have said, “Knock ‘em dead!” I closed the door and gave myself a pep talk.
“You can do this,” I said to no one in particular. “Remember, she broke your heart. She’s not a person, she’s a robot. It’s just like pulling a power cord. Get loose.”
I dropped to the ground to do a few pushups. Another knock at the door made me pause. It was Cindy again.
“Sorry! I forgot my jacket.” She grabbed it and once again left. As I moved to close the door the second time I nearly had a heart attack because Death was standing behind it.
“Gah! What the hell?” I said. Cindy poked her head around the corner.
“Everything ok?” she asked.
“What?” I said. “Oh, yeah. It’s fine. Just… just a spider.” Cindy gave me a strange look. I had angled the door so that she couldn’t see what was really behind it.
“Must have been pretty big…”
“Oh, yep, the biggest. See you later, k?”
“You’re still coming to my dance recital tomorrow, right?” That was literally the furthest thing on my mind.
“Of course!” I said. “Seven, right?” Cindy nodded, then left again. I waited until she had turned the corner before closing the door.
“Do you realize how creepy that is?” I asked Death. He floated into the middle of the room.
“Of course,” he said. I shook my head.
“What can I do for you?”
“Rumor has it that you have procured a date for tonight,” he said. “Congrats. Have you come up with a plan yet?” I checked my watch. I had about 40 minutes until I was supposed to meet with Victoria. I ran my hands through my hair and looked at the ceiling.
“The plan?” I repeated. “No plan. I was just going to… wing it.”
“Just casually commit murder, huh?” he asked. “Seems like a good idea.”
I crossed my arms. “I’m assuming you have a better one?”
Death held his scythe out to me.
“I do, in fact.”
I stared at him, not sure if he was serious. “Really?” I asked.
“Only way to make it look like ‘natural causes’,” he said. I reached my hand out and cautiously took the weapon. It was surprisingly light. So light, in fact, that I felt myself less connected to the ground. I slowly rose several inches off the carpet.
“Woah,” I said. I turned and sort of… willed myself forward. To my surprise I moved.
Sweet.
I took a timid swing with the scythe. It moved gracefully through the air.
“Kinda hard to hide this at dinner, don’t you think?” I asked, gradually getting braver with my motions. I felt like an action hero, imagining evil ninjas surrounding me. A slash here. A swipe there.
That’s when I cut my lamp in two.
Death moved over to me in the now dimly-lit room. He pushed a small button on the side of the scythe that I hadn’t seen. The blade moved first, folding in on itself. Then the handle collapsed inward until the entire thing was only a few inches long. I sank back to the ground and stuck the scythe in my pocket.
“I have a question,” I said. “How are you able to spend so much time with me? Shouldn’t you be, like, killing people?”
Death put his hands behind his back. He reminded me of a professor standing in front of his class (on Halloween, of course). “Other countries have their own Reapers,” he said. “There’s this one cat in Antarctica whose underworld has less than a hundred people. Poor bastard.”
“Oh,” I said, not understanding at all. “So you only handle America?”
“And some random places like Guam. And Atlantis.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “I’ll let you in on a little productivity secret: I outsourced most of my job to executive assistants in India decades ago.”
“Nice. India, huh? I thought about doing that with my email. Is it affordable?”
“Price can’t be beat,” he said. “And the best part? It drives India’s death goddess in-freaking-sane when I use ‘her’ people. Greedy hag.”
“Right,” I said, unsure of how to continue the conversation. “Well, I should probably get going…”
Death gave me a friendly wave as I headed out the door. “Knock ‘em dead, kiddo.”
Suggested music for Part 5: Have You Ever by The Offspring:
Keep reading! Part 6 is ready, for you!
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